The Drama Behind the Dates (What If History Textbooks Were Petty?)

The EIC Rule in a Nutshell!

The most HILARIOUS thing is when history is unhinged. I mean, why aren't history textbooks written by Gen Z? Anyway, here’s my attempt to make history sound more dramatic and messed-up than it already is. Buckle up!

So picture this: a rich group of businessmen with ships, asking the Queen, "Can we go to India, trade stuff, and get super rich?" (The queen said yes.) So, a bunch of British traders showed up in India, all polite with their “we just want to buy some spices and textiles” energy. Cute, right? But don’t be fooled. These guys weren’t here to shop, they were here to shoplift with style. 

So, in the beginning, these dudes stayed sweet and humble. Complimenting Mughal rulers like snake friends, “OMG Jahangirrrrr!!!! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the cutesy poem you wrote!!” And Jahangir, the stupid popular girl who thinks she has friends, allowed the EIC to build their factories and forts. Fast forward to when Aurangzeb got weak, and kingdoms started ruling themselves. Now, the EIC was like “EHEHHEH TIME FOR POLITICSSS!!”

At this point, EIC wasn’t happy with what they already got, so they decided to push their luck. Manipulating the Mughals and Nawabs. These tea-lovers were just too obsessed with profitable trade that they offended the Nawabs in the process.

Luckily, there was one guy, who wasn’t a block-headed citizen feeding on EIC’s false stories and manipulations. He tried to talk things out. Like, negotiate with the Britishers. Yeah, well, these Britishers were just a little too full of themselves. Alas, this guy, Sirjauddaulah, rolled up his sleeves, took his thirty-thousand men, and marched to the English factory at Kasimbazaar. He did all the messed-up war stuff, like capturing English officials, locking the warehouse, and confiscating the officials' weapons. He then pumped his chest, and marched to Calcutta, determined to take over. There was just a teeny tiny bit of conflict there, and BOOM. The Battle of Plassey. 

Now, here’s when EIC’s pathetic approach shows. Instead of being HONEST and fighting the battle like a good rival, they decided to exploit the disloyalty of Sirajuddaulah’s army. So, here’s what Robby did: he bribed Sirajuddaulah’s commander, Mir Jafar. The Mir who was a mere puppet. I doubt the Mir even had a conscience, at all. It’s just MORALLY WRONG to betray the one guy who wasn’t drowned in idiocy. Anyway, the puppet was just blushing like, “OH MY GOD!! Robby said if I help him, he’ll make me the nawab!!! EHEHEH! Robby is SUCH A CUTIE!!!” So yeah, a power-thirsty commander committed treachery. Congrats, Mir, you just unlocked the achievement: World’s Most Famous Backstabber. This alliance was probably the only reason EIC won, because Sirajuddaulah was fully prepared (except for hiring trust-worthy commanders). After this battle, EIC was satisfied because they got the riches of Bengal.

So, there we go, a puppet (and I suspect lovesick) ruler did whatever EIC said, while enjoying the so-called status of “nawab”. This changed when Mir Jafar’s son-in-law came into power. EIC realised even puppet-nawabs couldn’t be trusted when the good Mir (Mir Qaim), became friends with Shah Alam II (Mughal emperor), and Shujauddaulah (Nawab of Oudh). These people combined their strengths and fought with the Company. Unfortunately, by then, the EIC had actually formed a proper, trained, and disciplined army, who happened to defeat their opponent. Shah Alam II, disdained, finally made EIC the Diwan. Basically, now the EIC got even more money from Bengal than before, and didn’t need to rely on assumed puppet-nawabs. In other words, they got direct control.

A couple years later, the Company got bored. They were like “We’re kind of bored by just looting and eating India’s wealth… You down for some more bloodshed?” Here’s when the Company found another resistance, From Mysore. Welcome to the Anglo-Mysore Wars! (Spoiler: there’s another Mir)

There were four of these wars. The First Anglo-Mysore War (1767–1769), had the goated Haider Ali. He said, “Not today, colonizers.” Haider Ali was literally leveling up in power and was like, “Yeah, British expansion? I’m gonna stop that real quick.” The British, being the drama queens they were, couldn’t fight alone, so they dragged in the Marathas and the Nizam of Hyderabad like it was some Avengers crossover.

But plot twist: even with their squad, the British got wrecked. Haider Ali flexed so hard he marched straight to Madras like, “Open up, losers.” The British panicked and signed the Treaty of Madras, basically saying, “Okay fine, we’ll give your land back AND we promise to help you, when you’re at your worst.” But that “mutual help” promise? Yeah, not gonna age well.

Enter the Second Anglo-Mysore War (1780–1784), which honestly started because the British were being fake friends. Remember the Treaty of Madras where they promised “mutual help”? Yeah, they ghosted Haider Ali. Not only that, but they also snatched French possessions in India. Since Haider and his son Tipu Sultan were basically BFFs with the French, this was like insulting their squad. Haider Ali felt betrayed and was like, “Oh, it’s ON.”

The war kicked off messy. Battles everywhere, drama nonstop. Sadly, Haider Ali died in 1782, but his son Tipu Sultan—aka the “Tiger of Mysore”—was like, “Don’t worry Dad, I got this.” He kept fighting the British with serious energy. But here’s the tea: after years of chaos, neither side could actually win. So, in 1784, they signed the Treaty of Mangalore, which was basically: “You give back my stuff, I’ll give back your stuff, and let’s pretend we’re at peace.” Spoiler again: peace didn’t last.

In the Third Anglo-Mysore War (1790-1792), Sultan was a little too brave. He attacked the Kingdom of Tranvacore, an ally of the British. The British went full over-protective brother mode, and were like, “Nuh-uh! Not today Teep!” The British got their other bad-boy friends (Marathas, and Nizam of Hyderabad) and ATTACKED Tiger Teep. Sadly, Tiger Teep lost. He was forced to sign the Treaty of Srirangapatna, in which he had to hand over practically HALF of his territory, and pay the British war indemnity (just a lot of money).

The Fourth Anglo-Mysore War (1799) also known as, “The Season Finale of Mysore vs. British”. This is where the other wannabe popular Mir comes in. So, despite being cooked by the British the last time, Tiger Teep continued resisting, and contacted the French again. The British weren’t really a fan of the Tippu x French trope; they wanted to COMPLETELY remove Tiger Teep’s power. 

During the war, EIC found Mir Jafar 2.0: Mir Sadiq. The wait is over. Villain #1240573587 is here! Tipu Sultan was holding it down at Srirangapatna, resisting the British like an absolute legend. But guess who decided to play the snake card? Enter Mir Sadiq, Tipu’s very own minister. Now, instead of standing loyal, this guy thought it would be cute to betray at the most crucial moment. In the middle of battle, he pulled the dumbest stunt ever—he gathered troops together and announced that peace had been made. Like, what?! Everyone relaxed, abandoned their posts, and boom—the fort walls were wide open.

The British were like, “Thanks bro, we’ll take it from here,” and stormed straight through the gap. Tipu Sultan kept fighting like a tiger, but the betrayal tipped the scales. Tipu Sultan was killed. And Mysore fell. Before he was killed, bro literally mic-dropped with his last words: “Better to live one day as a tiger than a hundred years as a jackal.” (Translation: die a legend, not a coward.)

And the Mir? Oh, don’t worry, he got what he deserved. The Mysorean soldiers and locals, furious at his treachery, killed him almost immediately. He didn’t even get to enjoy his “traitor rewards.” So, this Mir got what he deserved, unlike the other Mir. If I’m being honest, there should be something called, “Mir Betrayal Olympics”.

Now, after all this drama, you’d think the British would’ve taken a breather. But nah, they love controversies (kind of like Hania Amir). So, they decided to do some discrimination and injustice. 

Initially, these guys forced farmers to grow pretty plants to decorate their mansions. And food? Yeah, they didn’t think that part through. Seriously, any non-block-headed person would know that citizens can’t eat indigo or cotton. Anyway, people started to starve, and no one’s happy with a growling stomach. They also taxed these workers like they weren’t being scammed by a British company. Many land owners also lost their generations-old land because of “new laws”.  

The Britishers also decided to annex a kingdom after the king died without a son. Like bro? Why are you being sexist? Let his daughter rule! But no! Doctrine of Lapse was the end-game for rulers. Basically, all royal families were MAD. 

Besides all this, these folks tried to spread their religion too! Like excuse me, sir? You’ve caused enough messes in culture, let religion live! Apparently, Christian missionaries were able to do their stuff FREELY! So, obviously devoted Muslims and Hindus were ready to throw hands. 

But the reason that was the FINAL STRAW, was when the British weren't even doing the bare-minimum for Indian sepoys. Let alone princess treatment. The sepoys faced discrimination, less pay, racism, and other not-cool things. But these sepoys were done tolerating after the Cartridge Controversy—the literal spark that lit the 1857 fire. So, here’s the tea: the British introduced these new Enfield rifles, where soldiers had to bite open the cartridges before loading them. Sounds fine, right? Well, the catch was that the cartridges were rumored to be greased with cow fat and pig fat. Cows are sacred to Hindus, pigs are forbidden to Muslims—so basically, the British managed to offend both religions in one dumb move. Congrats, EIC, you just unlocked the “Insensitivity World Record.”

Now imagine being a sepoy—already underpaid, treated like trash—and then being asked to bite into something that feels like spitting on your own faith. Obviously, this wasn’t going to fly. Sepoys were furious. They saw it as not just disrespect but a deliberate attempt to destroy their traditions and force Christianity. Whispers turned into rumors, rumors turned into rage. Refusal to use the cartridges led to punishments, which only added fuel to the fire. These devoted soldiers were IMPRISONED—literally thrown in jail for about a decade for respecting their faith! 

So, their bros weren’t just going to sit around killing flies, they were the loyal best friends, who have your back. They marched to Meerut, where the sepoys were jailed, and FREED them. So, after the sepoys freed their bros at Meerut, the tea spilled FAST. Word spread like wildfire across northern India. Suddenly, towns, cities, and villages were buzzing like, “Yo, it’s ON. We’re done with these British clowns.” The rebellion—aka the “First War of Independence” (1857)—had officially begun.

Delhi became the epicenter of the vibes. The sepoys marched there and declared the OG Mughal, Bahadur Shah Zafar, as their emperor. This old man was just chilling, writing Urdu poetry, and suddenly became the reluctant face of a full-blown rebellion. Imagine being in retirement mode and suddenly you’re crowned the symbol of resistance. Talk about a career comeback. In fact, other absolute LEGENDS joined this rebellion, along with local farmers who threw their shovels the minute they found out about the tea. These folks were DETERMINED.

Meanwhile, the British were SHOOK. At first, they were overwhelmed—forts under siege, officers panicking, supply lines cut. But the EIC wasn’t about to let go of their loot-empire that easily. They regrouped with reinforcements (including help from loyal princes and armies who hadn’t joined the rebellion) and came back with brutal vengeance. 

By late 1857, things messed up. The rebels were brave, but they were scattered, lacked coordination, and didn’t have the same resources or modern weapons as the British. Slowly, one by one, rebel strongholds fell. Delhi was recaptured. Some of the big GOATS died or disappeared, and  Bahadur Shah Zafar was captured and exiled to Rangoon—where he died brokenhearted, writing poetry about lost glory.

The East India Company was officially CANCELLED (bruh, imagine being fired from ruling an entire subcontinent). The British Crown took direct control—so now it wasn’t shady businessmen, it was Queen Victoria herself running the show.

Policies changed. They promised (at least on paper) not to mess with Indian traditions, religions, or rulers the way the Company had.

But the trust? Gone. From both sides. Indians had seen just how far the British would go for power, and the British saw Indians weren’t just passive subjects—they could rise up (Indians weren’t even trusted with weapons anymore).

But don’t be fooled everyone, the British were none less than EIC, they were real jerks too! Local people who participated in the rebellion were publicly hanged, Muslims were blamed for the rebellion more than the Hindus, and majority of these Muslims were left behind in education, because they were still trying to resist Western influence, while the Hindus and Sikhs kind of gave up, and adopted the British stuff. 

In the end, the EIC pulled up for spices, stayed for the drama, and left India on fire. 1857 wasn’t the finale—it was just Season 1 of the independence saga. The Company left behind a fire they couldn’t really put out (so-called talented individuals).

— Hoor, Owner of Sassy History Files.